Unfreeze My Hardened Heart

Monday Morning.
Heavy Snow.
Jammed roads.
Heavy Snow.
Suspended Transport.
Heavy Snow.
No Lectures.
Heavy Snow.
Freezing Cold.
Heavy Snow.
Wet Clothes.
Heavy Snow.
Naughty Schoolkids.
Heavy Snow.
Muddy Boots.
Heavy Snow.
The first time in ages I've smiled like a kid in joyful abandon of everything life throws at you.

Faith

Credit crunch... Everyone's talking about it... People feeling the financial pressure... I'm gonna keep this short since I gotta go to church in a few minutes... The uncertainty of the future... Funny, when I 1st started uni, I started keeping track of how much I was earning and how much I was spending... As the weeks went on, I realised I was spending more than I earned... This then snowballed into thinking about what to buy, what not to buy, walking instead of taking the bus, even considering how much money I would spend on tithing...

But in the midst of all this, I was reminded through a sermon by pastor Bob Coy about how we should still be faithful in giving to God, even during these tough times... As I sat back and listened, all the lightbulbs in my head were going off... and my memory pulled me back to the story of Peter and Jesus in the sea, where Peter could walk on water when Jesus called him out of the boat... Then he started to sink when he saw how high the waves were... It just reminded me that, during these tough financial times, I should always be more concerned at looking at God, rather than the trouble around me... I should focus on the hope of something better ahead and how faithful God is instead of focusing on the problems surrounding me...

Funny, during the course of the next couple of days, I quit writing down how much I was earning and spending and just decided to trust God for daily provisions... and sooner than I think, I'm getting like 3 calls to do PAID gigs here and there... God is faithful, don't worry about your future... Keep serving Him faithfully and he will continue to bless you...

I'm off to church, be encouraged...

Contemplation

Without God, there is no direction.
No hope for the future.
Not even a desire to hope for some joy that awaits us at the end of the tunnel.
Without direction, we are just lost souls in time
Aimlessly wandering about, striving for temporary earthly objects and acheivements that will eventually pass away.
What is our aim, what is our end?
Everything in life is meaningless.

Still, there is a creator who craves each second, each minute, each hour, each day, each week, each month, each year, each decade, each century, each millenium to have an unbreakable, unchangeable and loving relationship with the people who hurt him the most.

What a mystery...

Frustration

I'm tired.
I'm tired of people assuming stuff about me which isn't even true.
I'm tired of tired of being the one every one's watching and waiting to see if I stumble and fall or if I live up to my so called responsibilities that I'm "supposed" to be doing.
I'm tired of being constantly disturbed when I need my space.
I'm tired of being forced to answer when I don't want to right at that moment.
I'm tired of reassuring other people that every thing's going to be all right for the umpteenth time and they still don't get it.
I'm tired of people assuming that I don't get what they are saying.
I'm tired of being an emotional punching bag.
I'm tired of being helpless and at a lost in what to do in comforting a loved one through an avenue I have no experience or familiarity in.
I'm tired of people forcing me to eat and then getting wrong ideas about me when I do not oblige.
I'm tired of becoming a better man, constantly improving myself at my own pace, because in the end, the efforts seem to go un-noticed.
I'm tired of pointless money issues.
I'm tired of being wrong.
I'm tired of being blamed for situations I have NO control over.
I'm tired of not having someone who can listen to me vent then emphatize and not just give me their "good advice".
I'm tired and afraid my ugly history will repeat itself again.
I'm tired of caring about the serious repercussions that are probably going to snowball from the moment people read this.
God, Show me how to love like you do.
Because I can never do it in my own human strength.
Not ever.

I'm just friggin' tired.

It's not fair...

It was not until I arrived back in Singapore that I realised my world and hers were different... I look back with hindsight the family's love that was showered upon me and that was yet taken for granted... I looked back at how God had blessed me with countless opportunities, directing my steps, reassuring me that he was there every waking and sleeping moment in my life... I look back at the friends he provided me with and the relationships that were strengthen by close fellowship. Friends and family who would look out for me whenever I was in trouble... I look back at God's provision... food, shelter, education... and yet I still had the nerve to complain...

How could I not have seen the tears which flowed from my Saviour's face when I was enjoying the comfort of red plush seats, dozing off periodically at Sunday sermons... when at the same time, my other half was being dragged away to some ritual by her mum, not knowing what she was doing, scared half to death by the chants of taoist priests... How could I not have felt his heart ache when I was hanging out with friends mulling over what the best hair product would be... when at the same time my gal was getting stressed about how much she could do for her family in order for them not to be so burdened financially with the cost of 3 of her siblings and her own education. How could I not have heard Jesus cry out to me, begging me to open my mouth and speak about his abundant life, when I was venting about my family not giving me enough space, when she and her family had to put up with a multitude of insults and unloving actions from relatives.

How could I have blocked God out of my life, desensitizing myself to every thing he asked me to do for him... How could I have been so blind to the fact that there were sincere individuals who were searching for eternal answers in this temporal world, desperately seeking out for truth but finding a people who were too ignorant and apathetic to care.

The Bible is clear about one thing, no Jesus, and you're headed for eternal damnation, there is no grey area about it. Could I really live with the fact that I would be enjoying the comforts of everlasting life while the people I would 'care' about in the future would be headed for hell?

Psalm 51:10 - "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."