Frustration

I'm tired.
I'm tired of people assuming stuff about me which isn't even true.
I'm tired of tired of being the one every one's watching and waiting to see if I stumble and fall or if I live up to my so called responsibilities that I'm "supposed" to be doing.
I'm tired of being constantly disturbed when I need my space.
I'm tired of being forced to answer when I don't want to right at that moment.
I'm tired of reassuring other people that every thing's going to be all right for the umpteenth time and they still don't get it.
I'm tired of people assuming that I don't get what they are saying.
I'm tired of being an emotional punching bag.
I'm tired of being helpless and at a lost in what to do in comforting a loved one through an avenue I have no experience or familiarity in.
I'm tired of people forcing me to eat and then getting wrong ideas about me when I do not oblige.
I'm tired of becoming a better man, constantly improving myself at my own pace, because in the end, the efforts seem to go un-noticed.
I'm tired of pointless money issues.
I'm tired of being wrong.
I'm tired of being blamed for situations I have NO control over.
I'm tired of not having someone who can listen to me vent then emphatize and not just give me their "good advice".
I'm tired and afraid my ugly history will repeat itself again.
I'm tired of caring about the serious repercussions that are probably going to snowball from the moment people read this.
God, Show me how to love like you do.
Because I can never do it in my own human strength.
Not ever.

I'm just friggin' tired.

It's not fair...

It was not until I arrived back in Singapore that I realised my world and hers were different... I look back with hindsight the family's love that was showered upon me and that was yet taken for granted... I looked back at how God had blessed me with countless opportunities, directing my steps, reassuring me that he was there every waking and sleeping moment in my life... I look back at the friends he provided me with and the relationships that were strengthen by close fellowship. Friends and family who would look out for me whenever I was in trouble... I look back at God's provision... food, shelter, education... and yet I still had the nerve to complain...

How could I not have seen the tears which flowed from my Saviour's face when I was enjoying the comfort of red plush seats, dozing off periodically at Sunday sermons... when at the same time, my other half was being dragged away to some ritual by her mum, not knowing what she was doing, scared half to death by the chants of taoist priests... How could I not have felt his heart ache when I was hanging out with friends mulling over what the best hair product would be... when at the same time my gal was getting stressed about how much she could do for her family in order for them not to be so burdened financially with the cost of 3 of her siblings and her own education. How could I not have heard Jesus cry out to me, begging me to open my mouth and speak about his abundant life, when I was venting about my family not giving me enough space, when she and her family had to put up with a multitude of insults and unloving actions from relatives.

How could I have blocked God out of my life, desensitizing myself to every thing he asked me to do for him... How could I have been so blind to the fact that there were sincere individuals who were searching for eternal answers in this temporal world, desperately seeking out for truth but finding a people who were too ignorant and apathetic to care.

The Bible is clear about one thing, no Jesus, and you're headed for eternal damnation, there is no grey area about it. Could I really live with the fact that I would be enjoying the comforts of everlasting life while the people I would 'care' about in the future would be headed for hell?

Psalm 51:10 - "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."

Talk is Cheap, Actions are Deep

Darker days grow ahead as the morality of this world is being turned upside down... Sin is becoming the norm and there is a blurred line between right and wrong... Some Christians are living in ignorance and apathy and don't want to fight the spiritual battle we were all called to do... Some bored by long and tedious sermons, wanting to get caught up solely with fun church activities like a BBQ or sports session... missing important prayer and bible study meetings... Sometimes fights happen inside the church, the place where sacrificial love and forgiveness are supposed to be most present... Disputes about traditions, methods, doctrine, music, etc... They take away the focus from what our real purpose is... Non-Christian spectators observe everything going on within the church and are left confused and hurt, wanting to disassociate themselves with anyone who calls himself 'Christian'... Tired of countless arguments like, 'Does God exist?', 'Why is there suffering if there is a loving God?', 'Are morals absolute?'... Each side not listening to another...

I've found that a lot of the Christians who have grown up in the church, including myself, have had this 'I am saved, therefore I most know everything' kind of attitude... It only breeds disgust from many who are unsaved... 1st of all, I don't know it all, I'm still learning and I must check out whether everything I hear is true... Like the Bereans in Acts 17... check out everything from BOTH sides... both Non-Christians and Christians don't bother to do that a lot of the time... They seem to be stuck in their way of life, the way that works for them...

I've had some uncomfortable experiences with both Christians and non-Christians... One would be the time where I decided in my head and heart that I knew it all and had this verbal sparring with a non-Christian and of course, God humbled me, I didn't know the answers to some of the questions... I checked it out afterwards though and realised that there were lots of things that I hadn't learnt. Another time was when I was sharing these experiences with various Christian brothers, one was a pastor... They however, would just shake their heads and contort their faces in unbelief and I could see that it was written on their face the 'How can they (non-Christians) be so stupid, I don't want to listen to this nonsense' kinda look... And they gave a sort of snort of disgust after I shared my experiences with them... In my head I'm like 'Come on man, they are not saved, obviously they won't know about moral absolutes and God's law so why the look?' I guess their reaction took me by surprise, especially with all this talk about loving the lost wherever we go...

So I questioned myself... What happened to a heart of compassion that Christians are supposed to have? Where is the love of God within a Christian that would want to see this soul saved and answer him in a meek and gentle spirit? Why are we segregating ourselves from the very people we are supposed to reach out to? I also questioned the non-Christian's viewpoint... Just because a Christian disrespects and hurts you, you are going deny a God? Aren't Christians human too? NONE of them are perfect, so why judge God based on the bad experiences of his representers? Why base your own salvation on that? All the questions could go on forever... None of them are conclusive so please refrain from emailing me with points that I might have missed out... XD

I watch movies about how missionaries go to the Amazon and sacrifice their lives for the gospel... Just with one powerful sentence when they were asked, 'Are you going to use the guns if the natives try to kill you?' And their response, 'We are ready for heaven, they aren't'... 5 of them died by the hands of the Waudani tribe... And today, the Waudani tribe is taking the gospel to its own people... And then I wonder why a lot of us complain about Sunday sermon being too long so that we can't have lunch... I wonder why we complain when a preacher prays too long about the very people who need God the most... I wonder why I was so selfish being a Christian from birth, maybe it's because I've never really experience extreme suffering at all... maybe suffering helps a person realise the value of life, the basic needs and all that stuff... Sure I got the times where I had fights with my family, fallouts with friends, but today I'm here living better than most of the people in the world... Why should I complain about my situation and how no one understands me? Why should I worry about my tomorrows when God has taken care of everything... Shouldn't I be more compassionate about those around me who are not as fortunate? Shouldn't I be more loving towards those who hurt me and call me stereotypical names like 'hypocrite'? Shouldn't I forgive them for what they say and bless them?

When I stop focusing on myself, I put God and others 1st, then I'll be able to see the change... Too many times, Christians want to change people's behaviours straight away... They see it more like a mission to be accomplished, they view the person more as an object to process rather than a human who need compassion, rather than a lost soul and wandering spirit, in need of the creator's love...

Let go, Let God...

When I was a teenager, my dreams were big... I wanted to be a superstar... I wanted everyone to look at me and see how great I was... How I could go against Singaporean society and stereotypical asian mentality and rise above the norm to acheive something greater than anyone from my background ever did... In short, it was all about me, what I was, what I could do, what I was all about... I, I, I, me, Me, ME...

So I worked for it, worked on my image, worked on my talent, worked on the things I was good at... And for a few years, it got me where I wanted to be... I could prove my family wrong about me, I could live a high life that I wasn't living when I was a nerd in school, it got me a few extra bucks too... doing a few gigs in hotels and restaurants, etc... And though I wasn't even close to believing it in the early stages, my dreams were starting to become a reality...

I finally went to study a Jazz degree in UK, got a 1st class, was the leader of a big band, interviewed at a radio station, got a £1000 merit award, played with some big names, toured to Scotland and even got a Hollywood offer, would be in L.A. for 6 months, everything paid for...

Yet I look at my life now and realise that all those things never satisfied... It's strange but the happiest moments in my life weren't performing in front of a large audience, getting interviewed on radio and it was definitely not a Hollywood job offer.

I can't remember what was the largest number of people I played too, I've forgotten a lot of songs I've written, I don't remember the number of bands I was in and certainly don't remember some big names I've played with.

I do remember vividly the joy I had when I was growing up with my brother, the relationships that were built in church back in Singapore, the friends from church camp, the seniors who helped my grow in the ACS chapel band, the many friends who supported me when I was in the dumps, even more friends in SYFC whom I had a great chance to hang out with and share loads with. The countless chinese dinner makan sessions with my aunts, uncles and cousins. And certainly it was the time when my girlfriend accepted Jesus into her heart to become Lord and Saviour of her life... on 6th July, 2 more days... I had more joy confessing to God that I had to live right and stop playing religious games... I had more joy being and serving alongside members of a loving Zimbabwean church in London... I had more joy when I was listening to online sermons instead of playing online games, I had more joy writing meaningful poetry rather than cool riffs and licks... I seem to have forgotten about that in the last few months...

So right now at the crossroads in my life, going on to complete a Masters, I am wondering where life's road will lead... As I ponder about my future, God keeps reminding me of how shallow human wisdom is... And as I look at the other people around me in my university and professional life strive for fame and fortune, the things they would do to get what they want, the things they have done, I wonder if in the end it's all really worth it... I take a huge step back and it makes me think if I'm just using people to get what I want and where I want to be... Am I that selfish and shallow? I would like to think not, although truth seems to point otherwise...

There have been many opportunities knocking at my door... It's definitely tempting to accept everyone I get... And a lot of people have encouraged me with seemingly "good" intentions... Something however is pulling me back, it's probably the Holy Spirit inside of me, guiding me although rarely been listening to him... Why do I strive for things that will fade when this world passes away? Wasn't there something in the Bible about storing up your treasures in heaven? Once you have a acheived everything you want to in life, will you be truly happy?

As I reflect on the constant stream of questions pouring out from within me I realise that a lot of people are happy, but they don't have JOY... the kinda joy that makes you feel mmm... I can't describe it... I've experienced that kinda joy before, I want it again... It is so easy to backslide and strive for the things your heart desires...

I guess I'm reminded of how God didn't make us to be isolated individuals focusing on ourselves... cos then it would be all about pride and self-worship, saying God I don't need you, the thing the devil and his minions want... But God made us so that we could have a loving relationship with Him through his son, Jesus Christ... It's all about relationships... I found more joy working on relationships rather than working on myself... so in the end it's not about ME, it's about being unselfish, serving others and being faithful to a loving Father... Just as much as he always is and has been faithful and has a special plan for my life... Which we can all find out about if we let go of our selfish ambitions and let God be the centre of of lives and rule our hearts with his divine love...

Jesus, please restore the years that were wasted and help me to serve you willingly without complaining for perfect love casts out all fear. May my life be used as you wish, forgetting about me, caring about others around me more... And please guard my heart so I do not serve out of selfishness and greed for treasures in heaven, create in me a clean heart, pure, holy and acceptable in your sight... I want to win souls for your kingdom... how I do not know, but I trust in you and I know you will guide me and be right beside me all the way till your kingdom come. I commit all of my life into your hands... In your name I pray, Amen...

Pastor Joe Wright's Prayer

Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and seek your direction and guidance. We know your Word says, "Woe to those who call evil good," but that's exactly what we've done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and inverted our values.

We confess that we have ridiculed the absolute truth of your Word and called it moral pluralism. We have worshipped other gods and called it multi-culturalism.
We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle.
We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have neglected the needy and called it self-preservation.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building esteem.
We have abused power and called it political savvy.
We have coveted our neighbors' possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our fore-fathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us O God and know our hearts today; try us and see if there be some wicked way in us; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent here by the people of Kansas, and who have been ordained by you, to govern this great state. Grant them your wisdom to rule and may their decisions direct us to the center of your will. I ask it in the name of your son, the living savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.