Orh-ten-tee-see-tee

WARNING - For what I am about to say, most of it is my personal testimony and in no way does it reflect your walk with God. The intent of this entry is to get people thinking, not condemned... please forgive me if it makes you feel that way...

I used to hate Joyce Meyer… My mum and my sis always ranted on about her messages. (They still do I guess). I used to hate that together with other preachers like Creflo Dollar, Kenneth Copland, Miles Monroe, etc… the list goes on. My dad would “force” us to have bible study and prayer sessions just before we were to go to bed. Nowadays he goes on about Chuck Misler. My brother (right picture) and I on the other hand, used to share a room and we would whine to each other about how we didn’t get enough “television, computer, board game, etc time”. And discuss why parents said “because I said so” or didn’t give you an explanation to the things they did.

As a naturally introverted person, I’ve been observing the world from a distance since I was 8. Being brought up in a Christian environment, you’re indoctrinated with basic Biblical principles but see a countless number of people in the church break them. And you wonder if Jesus Christ actually works… I’ve seen many “Christians” argue with, judge and condemn non-believers. And I’ve also seen these “Christians” smoke, drink, swear, steal, lie and live in sexual immorality. These are the people who raise their hands in worship to God on a Sunday and live for the world on the weekdays.

When I was younger the bad points in my family did not escape my scrutiny. How we could sing a worship song together on a weeknight then live in sin the next day puzzled me. I used to compare my family and Christian friends with Buddhists, Taoists, Hindus, etc… I often caught a glimpse of the life of non-believers and saw them to be more moral than friends and family who called themselves “Christians”. (I still do) The burning question within me was, “why do they have the right to judge me when they themselves are living in sin?”

I hate being called a hypocrite. I’m sure no one does. I know people are watching when I publicly declare my faith. Sin is so much more enticing. If I wasn’t born in a Christian home I would not know where I would be. I would be living for the world, sleeping around with random women, vandalising my enemies’ property, killing my siblings… Let’s face it… The heart of man is evil no matter how hard people to try to cover it up. Why then do I often think that some (not all) Christians pretend that they are holy and that the rest of the world isn’t?

I can only speak for myself... I think (I don't know about others) I was stuck in what I call “spiritual limbo”. (My pathetic attempt to sound like a preacher) I know and keep a few biblical principles but sin in the dark. I know that if I am ever caught I am going to be condemned by people in the church and it makes it worse for me. I want to share the gospel but my private life holds me back because I don’t want to preach the truth while living in sin. I don’t want to be viewed as the pious and uppity kind who judges believers or non-believers. But in thinking this way; I myself become a different type of judgemental Christian - the one that judges from the sidelines and lives in indifference. I needed help and discipleship. (I still do)

Growing up, I seldom found any REAL issues being talked about by preachers or what I consider to be real. I questioned the authenticity of the Christian life. Various examples - The sex addict who says the salvation prayer in a rally then reads his email and gives his desires in to a girl called Miss Naughty; the worship leader who rouses the congregation to an emotional high then smokes marijuana at a club later that night; the female usher who wears a low-cut top, showing her cleavage on purpose gain the attention of male adolescents as she collects the offering; the preacher who starts cussing the moment someone cuts him off when he drives his car home. How are we supposed to help them?

Sometimes I think I forget my duty as a Christian. In Matthew 28:19 Jesus says to go and make DISCIPLES of all the nations… somehow I've replaced that with go and make ‘converts’, condemn unbelievers and the believers living in sin, set-up evangelistic healing meetings, invite people to mega-worship sessions to get “saved”.

I keep thinking how one is supposed to grow spiritually when this is the impression I give to non-believers – “Jesus forgives my sins so I can sin now then repent later... I will keep on going for these worship concerts because it meets my musical interests and emotional needs, I sing because I like the melody, not the words... The preacher is like a comedian, that’s really one with entertainment value... I listen to him on a Sunday but hardly remember what he says when I go to work the next day... Sometimes I use his words to condemn other people. It's like a take "this verse and call me in the morning" doctor's prescription attitude I have... If the sermon ever gets boring I pass notes and text people during the message or prayer time... I love getting involved in any church ministry because it's my chance to become a superstar. I pretend to be humble saying it's all about God when I know deep down inside my heart I enjoy every moment of the attention I'm getting. I like books, TV programs and computer games that hint at promiscuity, gossip, violence, drugs and I condition my mind to think that it's ok to watch these as long as I don't engage in these activities. They help me escape to a different reality. Talk about God? It’s less engaging than something like sex, romance novels or papers and programs about celebrity gossip or how much they weigh. What do you mean by quiet time? I want my own time so I can check my facebook account, blog and chat rooms to talk about the cute guy or girl whose gaze met mine at HMV. If I get desperate, I pray for God to give me a boy or girlfriend then I put suggestive photos of myself in internet display pictures and constantly check who's 'viewed' me. I also go for parties and take random shots of friends and post them online, fantasizing about the possibility of building a life with the various people in those photos. My quiet time involves asking God to give me a verse and then I randomly open my Bible to any page and read whatever suits me. Psalms keeps popping up since it's in the middle of my Bible. In fact, what I consider to be my true quiet time is shopping for designer outfits, jewellery, cars, shoes and hair products. My parents? I hardly love or like them, I do obey them on occasion because the Bible says to do so but I do it grudgingly. I fight with my siblings in petty arguments then go out drinking and gambling (mahjong) with my believer friends the same night and share with each other how wonderful God has been in my life. I abhor the tele-evangelists who pump me up about claiming my spiritual (money) blessing or healing because I doubt the reality of it. Instead I go to fortune tellers or read daily horoscopes about what's going to happen tomorrow because I worry a lot about what usually never happens. My non-Christian friends? I enjoy their company, it’s the only time I can talk and be myself, being lascivious and not caring what they think of me because they don’t condemn me for my actions. We get more excited about who won the world cup than any talk about Jesus. I act like I’m a good person on Sundays because I want to uphold my reputation amongst the older generation of church uncles and aunties who think I’m a good kid. Yet I go back to my room the same day and watch pornography while smoking and trample on the head of Jesus Christ. I hate studying, it's mindless information you forget at the end of an exam, I ask God to give me good grades so that my parents won't nag at me. I often see myself as 'misunderstood'. My job? I work so that I can spend money I don't have on material things I don't need to impress the people I don't like. I pray for my boss to give me a bonus and harbour secret grievances against him. I know all the 'correct' answers to questions like 'If there is a God, why is there so much suffering?' I reduce my prayer life to “Lord thank you for this food, lord gimme this and that but forgive me when I forget to thank you or if I even remember to”. I go to church mainly for the fact that after I have lived in the world long enough and am tired of it, I can find a suitable spouse there. When I'm late for church I give the excuse that God understands why I was late... Oh yes, I also learn spiritual technical jargon impress new believers and try to 'sell Christianity' to them. I have the refrigerator magnets, Christian books and posters in my room too in case they want any. I go to church because I can get business deals there and contact cards. Nice to see the latest hillsongs cds and other books out... I reduce the temple of the living God to a marketplace... I try to disguise Christianity and pretend that I'm reaching people for God when I go to the club or invite unbelievers to Christian rock and rap concerts. The truth is I want to mix the riches of this world with the benefits of God's kingdom.”

Want me to continue? I do not know how many of us are living like that... I plead guilty to doing many of the things I have mentioned in that last paragraph... Whether minor or major, sin is sin. What difference do I see in my Christian life and the non-Christian one? None. How can I preach that kinda life to a non-believer?

Yet I feel the Holy Spirit telling me that although I don’t say out loud to people what I think is wrong, I judge them with my heart. No, I do not hear an audible voice booming from the heavens. Once I heard from Bob Coy, a televangelist, “Christianity is the only ‘religion’ that shoots its wounded.” I think I was too busy being caught up with pinpointing (inwardly and outwardly) other people’s sins when some of them already feel condemned. Yes, I have judged Joyce Meyer, Kenneth Copland, Benny Hinn and other preachers by their sin. And I forget that they are directing people to Jesus despite the fact that they may have other flaws which they need God to help them with. Inspite of this, millions are still hearing the gospel, they are winning souls for the kingdom of God. What am I doing?

So despite my experiences with disappointment with the faith, what have I decided to do? I can only speak for myself... I have realised that God convicted me of inwardly judging people. My family falls, they are human, and I cannot expect them to be perfect then judge them on their imperfection. I have realised that He knows that people are living in sin in this Christian faith but at least they are trying to aspire to holiness, what am I doing? Not even trying. Sometimes in my rational mind I reduce God to a smidgen of cheese on toast. I wonder how he can forgive me if I sin wilfully when I proclaim the knowledge of truth. And I forget that not only is He all-powerful, He is the epitome of love. For while we were yet sinners, Christ died for our sins. What does God’s son, Jesus, dying on the cross mean to me? I realise that God knows I can’t reach sinless perfection, but I can aspire to it instead of giving up and becoming judgemental and indifferent; looking toward Jesus instead of sinful and finite human beings.

And I was never meant to walk this Christian life alone. The church is not a building you go to or invite people to on a Sunday to get them saved. It’s the body of Christ. And as one body, we’re supposed to build each other up in faith, truth and love. Discipleship. My eyes have been opened to a new reality. On hearing Ravi Zacharais preach… We live in a time where man has created boredom out of his own affluence, impotence out of his own erotomania and vulnerability out of his own strength.

I recently left Singapore to study in London, indifferent to the faith I grew up in, trying at times to search for the deeper meaning behind my faith and failing. There was once I broke 8 out of the 10 commandments in a single day yet I felt nothing. I cannot explain spiritual things in the physical realm but it was at my lowest point that God made Himself known. Lying on the bed of my pastor’s room, in the midst of sin and darkness, I decided to confess all my sins that night. My pastor now disciples me of which to God I’m thankful. He does not condemn me but builds me in faith through the relationship I have with him. Many people think Christianity is a religion (I’m sounding cliché). It’s a relationship with God and it takes 2 sides to make it work. And in any relationship, it’s a journey of ups and downs. (I wonder how many of us could compete with Paul for the title 'cheif of sinners') I’m so thankful to Jesus that He didn’t give up on me. No matter how much I’ve sinned, His love extends further than I can imagine. Yes I still slip up, but Christ is changing me from glory to glory and I’m amazed He still forgives me. I find it amusing that the name of the church I go to is Oasis of Life. In the parched desert of life, I’ve found my Midian. I’ll leave you to picture the deeper meaning behind that and the Moses story on your own.

Now I see what the world is coming to when I look through the eyes of Jesus Christ. There is violence on the streets, school children no longer having any sense of respect; I was caught in one of their riots. I see the bus, street ads and computer games portraying various levels of sex, drugs and violence. Christians are living promiscuously, listening and discussing rap, pop and hip-hop artists talking about stuff too vivid to mention on this page. Some of the children's cartoons depict evil and sometimes even sexual connotations. I can’t judge anyone, it’s not my place although I sometimes feel I am. I find difficulty in drawing the line between judging and building people up in truth and love. My feet have simultaneously seemed to be in the pool of good and the pool of evil many points of time in my life. Yet God still forgave me when I came to true repentance. He can forgive you too. That’s the depth of his love for his creation. Jesus loves you. He died for you.

But sometimes I wonder if we are a “Christian” generation devoid of a moral conscience and I imagine my Creator, Saviour and Lord… Broken-hearted by the deeds of His creation, His face streaked with tears….