A humbling experience...

"You've handed in your composition assignment already?!?!?! When did you do it?"

"The same night it got assigned to us, finished it at 2am in the morning"

"Whoa, you're the man, etc... (other praises)"

I get that a lot from my friends at uni... Ever since I 1st started this course... And sometimes it really bugs me, but other times it makes me feel even prouder of myself... I start thinking "hey... maybe I am really good... hah! Take a look at me and what I can do!" All that kinda thing... and in this is all twined with sporadic mentions of what God is doing in my life and how He helps me that kinda stuff...

Wednesday 12am... Afro-Cuban Class...

The lecturer organizes everyone and as the class settles and we get ready to play another students' composition, he asks how people are getting along with their compositions... I handed mine in 1 week ago so I thought to myself, "ahhh, nice relaxing lesson for me" To my discomfort and sudden self-awareness in front of other classmates, the lecturer mentions how I handed my composition in and how I should get an A just for doing that... and then starts comparing me with other people... for about 8 minutes! Yea, it made me feel EXTREMELY awkward...

Questions and thoughts start racing round my mind... Why is he saying that? Oh my goodness, I need to get out of here now! Erm, are we going to play my composition? I dunno if it's up to standard... What will my friends think of me? Am I making them feel bad indirectly? Will they harbour grievances against me? My reputation is at stake! I've been in one of these situations before but never as embarrassing as this one!

It got worse... As the 1st student finished his piece, I thought to myself, wow, this guy has come along way since the day I met him in the 1st year... Next up, my turn... Uh-oh, can we not do this?

Looking at my score as I started to play the piano, I thought to myself, crap, I didn't revise this or scrutinise my own composition before I handed it in... Next thing you know, all the horns were out of sync, percussion seemed to play a lot more than I expected and I had trouble reading my own piano part!

GET ME OUT OF THIS CLASSROOM NOW!

In the periphery, I could feel the beady eyes of my friends staring at me... Jordan, you numbskull, you should have checked your work 1st before you handed it in and you shouldn't have been so cavalier about it... well, my world didn't come crashing down but the next thing that happened triggered a few light bulbs...

The lecturer looked at me... gulp...

"Looks like we have a lot of re-working and re-writing to do"

"erm, yes", I said sheepishly...

He turned to the class... come on, don't drag this out! Arghhh...

"How many weeks till the assignment due date?"

"2 weeks" someone right at the back of the class responded

He looked at me again...

"Ok, how about we pretend this never happened, you take your work back, re-work it then hand it in again"

"yea ok, thanx"

Light bulb 1: Whoa, talk about grace and mercy... From someone who isn't saved...

Light bulb 2: If someone like that can show me grace and mercy, how much more my heavenly Father up above in heaven? And should I respond to Him merely with a "yea ok, thanx"?

Light bulb 3: Failing does not make you a failure... What you do about it next, determines whether you will succeed...

Most of you who know me, know my musical capabilities, but let me share with you some bumps along the way...

I was born as a tone deaf kid, I never liked classical piano lessons, I strove with my dad about 8-9 years about whether to do jazz or classical music, my 1st experience performing in a talent show was a nightmare because sweat was pouring out my hands and my legs were shaking so much that I couldn't control the damper pedal, I've auditioned for the school chapel band and barely made it through the hymn in Ab they asked me to sight read because I couldn't play by chords, I've joined the Singapore Youth Training Orchestra but never made it to the main orchestra because I kept failing the assessments at the end of the semesters due to poor sight reading skills, I've failed music theory twice and barely scraped through the other theory and piano exams I did, once my cousin came over to my house to play Chopin and I had to play after him, embarrassing me in front of other relatives, my dad once told me I would never be able to make it as a professional if I kept on playing the way I did and he said that after I had practiced 6 hours a day for about 4 months, I remember struggling to keep a steady groove on the bass or drums in church, my bassoon teachers thought I wouldn't make it and I could sense that sometimes they nearly gave up on me, some jazz piano teacher at Guildhall never showed up for lessons and he said that I didn't practice as well so asked me not to blame him for not showing up, I was the worst musician in wind ensemble in Guildhall so no one would talk with me like a real friend and my lunchtimes were spent sitting alone eating home-made sandwiches in the toilet, I've had concerts in college where there would only be about 10 people in the audience, I've arranged terrible music for TV so that the guys in charge got someone else to do it instead, I've had arguments with the army band concert master, I've made major blunders in gigs, double-booked myself sometimes, gone really off key when singing, written some of the worst songs, recorded even worse demos, been ripped off by managers, had tussles with some band mates, failed to prove myself at many jam sessions, been stuck for composition and improvisational ideas, taught students poorly and I've been burnt out more than once before...

Today, I have perfect pitch, I play about 10 different instruments, all but 2 of them I learnt myself, I've been given a lower grade twice for my assignments because if I was given a higher grade, the standard for the rest of the cohort would have to be reviewed and bumped up (once with my piano teacher and the other time with my jazz lecturer), I consistently get asked to give music lessons and play with various bands, I have a vast musical experience playing with a variety of musicians in hotels, pubs, restaurants both in Singapore and UK (Check my CV and my grades in Uni) and now I can sense both my dad and my mum and my relatives respect me as a professional musician...

One thing I know for sure is that it's only by the grace of God and his hand, can I stand before the world and bless them with the gift Jesus has given me... Help me NEVER to forget that... The lesson today made me realise Jesus doesn't always expect a perfect performance in life from me, yea I still slip up, but I thank Him for His grace and mercy which is new every morning to give me more than just a 2nd chance... I serve a loving and wonderful Father... And all of God's people said...