Rantings

leave me alone
i'd rather die in solitude
then have 7 people ask me for favours every day
the work doesn't end
the money doesn't roll
why should i care

so what if i hurt those closest to me
i have everything to lose
yet i feel nothing

my folks probably care more about topical bible studies
and housegroup meetings
what's important to me
how i feel
untouched
call me selfish
i'm still human

never a close knit relationship
my past haunts me
my disease afflicts me
my future uncertain
do people understand
maybe, maybe not

lecturers put me in the spotlight
my life is under watch
every moment
every waking moment
i prepare myself mentally for someone waiting for me to slip up

church pressure
a losing battle with sin
i would be freer on sundays
but i grew out of waking early

pointless questions
tasteless jokes
hurt me and i hurt you
emotionally
i've gotten good
let's see if you recover from that

i don't hear God's voice no more
call me unfaithful, call me a backslider
do you think it's going to solve anything

i want to run through the forest
in the cold of the night
screaming my lungs out
laziness envelops
i stay in my room
it facilitates my addictions

my siblings grow distant
my partner?
she's got her own problems
i can't be her superman
love her still
need space
too many questions
i'm not an emotional punching bag
do i care more about other people than her
no
breaks my heart
when i can't be her rock

my gift
a curse
a blessing
i'm sick of people exploiting it
grow a brain and think
people slow me down

a vision of a face
smashed through a glass window
sew the stitches up yourself
if you don't drown first in the pool of blood

this is reality
not some dude in church on sunday
asking me how i am
then walking away without even listening
saying good to see you here
people tire me
trying to impress me
with their scriptural or musical knowledge

my own development
hampered
inspired, uninspired
maybe if i stopped helping people with their deficiencies
i could be great
yea right

assumptions
patronizing elder generations
a never ending list of seemingly good-intentioned people
they make me sick
barbers in uk
should go back to school

my patience
exhausted
no more favours
once i graduate
nothing's free
take it or leave it

out
J