Let go, Let God...

When I was a teenager, my dreams were big... I wanted to be a superstar... I wanted everyone to look at me and see how great I was... How I could go against Singaporean society and stereotypical asian mentality and rise above the norm to acheive something greater than anyone from my background ever did... In short, it was all about me, what I was, what I could do, what I was all about... I, I, I, me, Me, ME...

So I worked for it, worked on my image, worked on my talent, worked on the things I was good at... And for a few years, it got me where I wanted to be... I could prove my family wrong about me, I could live a high life that I wasn't living when I was a nerd in school, it got me a few extra bucks too... doing a few gigs in hotels and restaurants, etc... And though I wasn't even close to believing it in the early stages, my dreams were starting to become a reality...

I finally went to study a Jazz degree in UK, got a 1st class, was the leader of a big band, interviewed at a radio station, got a £1000 merit award, played with some big names, toured to Scotland and even got a Hollywood offer, would be in L.A. for 6 months, everything paid for...

Yet I look at my life now and realise that all those things never satisfied... It's strange but the happiest moments in my life weren't performing in front of a large audience, getting interviewed on radio and it was definitely not a Hollywood job offer.

I can't remember what was the largest number of people I played too, I've forgotten a lot of songs I've written, I don't remember the number of bands I was in and certainly don't remember some big names I've played with.

I do remember vividly the joy I had when I was growing up with my brother, the relationships that were built in church back in Singapore, the friends from church camp, the seniors who helped my grow in the ACS chapel band, the many friends who supported me when I was in the dumps, even more friends in SYFC whom I had a great chance to hang out with and share loads with. The countless chinese dinner makan sessions with my aunts, uncles and cousins. And certainly it was the time when my girlfriend accepted Jesus into her heart to become Lord and Saviour of her life... on 6th July, 2 more days... I had more joy confessing to God that I had to live right and stop playing religious games... I had more joy being and serving alongside members of a loving Zimbabwean church in London... I had more joy when I was listening to online sermons instead of playing online games, I had more joy writing meaningful poetry rather than cool riffs and licks... I seem to have forgotten about that in the last few months...

So right now at the crossroads in my life, going on to complete a Masters, I am wondering where life's road will lead... As I ponder about my future, God keeps reminding me of how shallow human wisdom is... And as I look at the other people around me in my university and professional life strive for fame and fortune, the things they would do to get what they want, the things they have done, I wonder if in the end it's all really worth it... I take a huge step back and it makes me think if I'm just using people to get what I want and where I want to be... Am I that selfish and shallow? I would like to think not, although truth seems to point otherwise...

There have been many opportunities knocking at my door... It's definitely tempting to accept everyone I get... And a lot of people have encouraged me with seemingly "good" intentions... Something however is pulling me back, it's probably the Holy Spirit inside of me, guiding me although rarely been listening to him... Why do I strive for things that will fade when this world passes away? Wasn't there something in the Bible about storing up your treasures in heaven? Once you have a acheived everything you want to in life, will you be truly happy?

As I reflect on the constant stream of questions pouring out from within me I realise that a lot of people are happy, but they don't have JOY... the kinda joy that makes you feel mmm... I can't describe it... I've experienced that kinda joy before, I want it again... It is so easy to backslide and strive for the things your heart desires...

I guess I'm reminded of how God didn't make us to be isolated individuals focusing on ourselves... cos then it would be all about pride and self-worship, saying God I don't need you, the thing the devil and his minions want... But God made us so that we could have a loving relationship with Him through his son, Jesus Christ... It's all about relationships... I found more joy working on relationships rather than working on myself... so in the end it's not about ME, it's about being unselfish, serving others and being faithful to a loving Father... Just as much as he always is and has been faithful and has a special plan for my life... Which we can all find out about if we let go of our selfish ambitions and let God be the centre of of lives and rule our hearts with his divine love...

Jesus, please restore the years that were wasted and help me to serve you willingly without complaining for perfect love casts out all fear. May my life be used as you wish, forgetting about me, caring about others around me more... And please guard my heart so I do not serve out of selfishness and greed for treasures in heaven, create in me a clean heart, pure, holy and acceptable in your sight... I want to win souls for your kingdom... how I do not know, but I trust in you and I know you will guide me and be right beside me all the way till your kingdom come. I commit all of my life into your hands... In your name I pray, Amen...